I Found You || Roderich

[Elizaveta Héderváry]

lost and insecure

“you found me”

@@stephanie

Elizaveta clutched the envelope in her hand tightly as she triple-checked the address.

She hadn't meant to come all the way to Austria. Not originally, at least. She'd been halfway through Poland when the idea had struck her. Hungary was her getaway, her escape. But perhaps Austria was her answer.

Even now, Elizaveta wasn't certain how she'd made it this far. She'd been careful, yes. But it'd also been what, weeks of travel? Her mother certainly knew she was gone. Yet Elizaveta had not been excessively questioned, had crossed several borders without a single red flag going up.

Why, Elizaveta couldn't even begin to fathom. Perhaps her mother was not looking for her. Perhaps she had given up on her rebellious daughter. Well good riddance. Elizaveta could make it on her own. She'd find a nice place in Hungary, get a job, and live out her life away from her mother's influence.

At least, that was the dream. How Elizaveta would get there was a different question entirely.

Then again, perhaps this house held answers for her.

She began slowly down the long pathway to the house. Perfectly trimmed rosebushes lined the entrance and Elizaveta felt almost as if she'd stepped into a garden in a fairytale. Elizaveta breathed in the scent of flowers, a small smile involuntarily tracing her lips.

She reached the end of the pathway, where she found a cluster of blooming pink alpine carnations. Elizaveta glanced around for a groundskeeper and seeing none, she leaned down and picked one. Walking towards the front door, Elizaveta tucked the flower behind her ear.

The house was beautiful, with an elegance that seemed to transcend Elizaveta's imagination. The driveway contained a beautiful stone fountain, gurgling cheerfully away.

This was the home that Roderich had described, the one he had spoken many times of in his letters. Beautiful, breathtaking even. Yet there was something in its perfection that made Elizaveta uneasy. For Roderich had always spoken of his home as if it was a trap, some sort of web that ensnared him, had he not?

Elizaveta swallowed as she held her finger inches from the doorbell. Roderich...

He had stopped replying to her letters almost a year ago. 9 months, to be exact. Elizaveta had written several letters to him after her letter had gone two months with no reply, asking where he was and how he was doing. No answer. Radio silence.

Her grip tightened on the last letter she had had from Roderich. She'd read it a hundred times between Russia and Austria, on train seats and in musty motels. It was crumpled now and several times Elizaveta had feared that the ink would run and his last words to her would disappear forever. By some miracle though, the words were still etched into the page. Elizaveta had committed them to memory by now, but it was different to be able to read them and smooth her thumb over the faded ink.

He'd just...disappeared. Gone, without a trace. Without a letter, or a phone call, or...or anything. Even if they were just pretending, even if they had no intention of marrying one another, they had been friends. Or pen pals or...did it even matter? Friends didn't simply abandon each other and leave without saying goodbye.

At first, she'd wondered if she'd done something wrong. By then, she'd gone well over a month without a reply and had forgotten most of the contents of her letter. She'd worried herself over it relentlessly. Then the worry gave way to anger. Anger and frustration, that she had taken out on pillows and walls and her own knuckles. She'd shot arrow after arrow on horseback, hitting each of them precisely at the center with the same question burning in her mind. Where are you? Where are you? Why? Why? Why?

And then finally it'd become resignation. Acceptance, that he wasn't replying, that he was just...gone.

Now Elizaveta just wanted answers. She just wanted to look him in the eyes and figure it out. She wanted to believe in him, to believe he didn't simply drop off the face of the earth. He wasn't dead, her mother would have told her that.

She could be caught here. Roderich's parents...her mother could have called ahead, could have asked them to look to see if Elizaveta showed up. She'd never expressed any affection for the arranged marriage before, but then again, it wasn't as if Elizaveta understood her mother in the slightest.

No. Elizaveta needed answers. That's what she'd decided on the train through Poland and that was what she'd come here for. She knew that if she went to Hungary without doing so she would be left wondering for the rest of her life what had happened to Roderich.

Elizaveta pressed the doorbell firmly. No turning back now.

She could hear the ringing through the door. A woman appeared in the glass panels of the wooden door. Probably the housekeeper, Elizaveta noted by her attire. She hurried to unlock the door, looking at Elizaveta curiously. Subconsciously, Elizaveta brushed off her clothing, straightening her stance.

“May I help you ma'am?” the woman asked politely.

“Ah...yes.” Elizaveta nodded quickly. “I'm looking for Roderich Edelstein? Is this his house?”

The woman hesitated, an unidentifiable look crossing through her eyes.

Elizaveta frowned. “Is something wrong?”

“Mr. Roderich is not seeing visitors right now,” the housekeeper said. “I can leave a m—”

“Please,” Elizaveta said firmly. “I'm his fiancée.”

Elizaveta had never said that word out loud until now, had never dared to. But she needed to see Roderich. If he was here, she needed to see him.

The housekeeper blinked. “Mr. Roderich's...”

“Yes.” Elizaveta didn't waver, simply staring the woman down. “Yes, I'm his fiancée and I am here to see Roderich. You can speak with his mother or father about the arrangement if you need to confirm I just...I need to see him.”

The woman pursed her lips and glanced upstairs. Elizaveta followed her gaze, a thousand new questions on the tip of her tongue. What had happened to Roderich? Why...

“Mr. Roderich is not...in the best condition to be seeing anyone,” the housekeeper said quietly. “You should come back later.”

Elizaveta shook her head desperately, long brown locks moving from side to side. “I need to see him now. Please.”

It was a long few seconds as the housekeeper and Elizaveta stood at the door in a stalemate. Finally, the woman nodded and opened the door wider. “Alright. I will take you to Mr. Roderich.”

Elizaveta entered the house. Her eyes took in the beautiful crystal chandeliers, the spiraling staircase, the marble-tiled floors. Sunshine streamed in through the elongated windows, illuminating the house with a glow. All this Elizaveta took in in an instant. But her focus was on the housekeeper in front of her. This beautiful house meant nothing to her if it wasn't for the single inhabitant within.

They walked up the spiraling staircase until they stopped in front of a closed door. Elizaveta clenched her hand around Roderich's last letter. All her answers lay behind that door.

She just needed to open it.

The housekeeper knocked on the door hesitantly. “Mr. Roderich? Miss Elizaveta is here to see you.”

[ WORDS 1206 | MUSE SONG BY ARTIST ]

MADE BY ★MEULK

[Deleted]

My apologies, dear,
for all my mistakes

D

ull violet eyes, framed by dark shadows gazed blankly at the ceiling. Complete silence filled the shadowed room. The darkness was almost tangible, as if it was covering every item in the room, causing the entire room to feel cold and empty. A few rustling noises were made as the male in question with the dull violet eyes turned to his side, examining what he saw. A piano… with music scattered across it and the floor beneath. What had caused the music to scatter? Was it his anger, or his father’s? A creak from his bedroom door awaked Roderich from his thoughts as some light spilled into the shadowed room. It was a dark haired woman, with glasses and an intricate dress covering her body.

Mother.

She moved from the doorway to the large windows in the room, opening the curtains and letting some light in. She didn’t ask if he was okay. She didn’t caress him and care for him like a normal mother would. She didn’t promise to protect him from the world. She wasn’t a mother; she was a monster.

Roderich felt her eyes glaring at him. He knew they were narrowed into slits. He knew she was clenching the soft fabric of her dress in her fists. Did he care? He didn’t seem to. He was useless, he didn’t even know why she came in here each day and opened the windows. Probably to make it look to the outside world that he was okay.

A sigh left the woman’s lips, which had lipstick on them, heavily applied like always. His mother was a whore. A lying cheating harlot that slept with his best friend’s father. His best friend; where was he now? Again, Roderich was wrenched out of his thoughts by the loud slam of his door, signalling his mother’s departure.

It was a struggle to bring himself out of bed. But slowly, two feet placed themselves on the ground as Roderich began to move through his room. He walked to one of the windows, glancing outside as his eyes squinted against the new light that he saw outside. That piercingly bright light that illuminated what Roderich was. Truly a shell of his former self.

People always say that little things don’t matter. Like losing contact with cousins, having your parents miss a music recital, left as a trophy in front of a crowd, losing contact with your best friend; then being pushed aside like a burden. Roderich was a burden, and that’s all he ever had been. He had never been useful; never seen as a good thing in the world. The universe just conspired against him.

Sickly pale, thin hands let go of the curtain, letting it fall to where it was half closed. After all, the sunlight wasn’t always bad. Another step to the right and he crossed over his desk; his desk. Papers scattered about, many different names but the two most often were scratched out on almost every paper. The initials EH and VZ were deadly visible, standing out from nearly every paper. His hands grazed the wood, feeling something silver under the paper. He pulled it out, glancing at the carved pendant on the chain.

How long had this been laying there? How long ago had Roderich discarded it to rest there without a second thought? The silver slid down his pale palm as he examined the pendant. It almost made him feel better, the memory that this necklace held. Then the reminder that his friend didn’t need him was apparent yet again. He grasped the entire necklace in his palm, a bit of the chain hanging out of the fist as he opened a drawer and dropped it in.

He wasn’t needed anymore. Nobody wanted him here. Not his mother, not his father, not his cousins, not his best friend. There was no one here that needed him in any way; which made Roderich feel… empty. There was a hole; and not just in his heart and mind, but in his entire being. It felt like there was a gaping hole in his body, where something should be. Was it love? Was it care?

Roderich’s bare feet felt something soft where he walked and the man glanced down. Feathers.. and cotton. He followed the trail, to a shredded pillow, surrounded messily by feathers. That had probably happened by his own hand. With a small flash, Roderich’s attention was pulled to a object on the table. A knife.

Probably the very knife that had shredded the pillow. He nervously picked the knife up, his entire being quivering. It always happened this way. As if the world decided to pour all of the terror and fear it could into his mind; so he would have to keep living through this nightmare. Unaware, Roderich had felt liquid fall from his eyes as the knife clattered to the floor before he grabbed the wrist of the hand that had held it with his other.

He wanted to. He thought about it day after day. That subtle thought that with this one object, he could end it all. End all the pain, all the suffering. All the neglect would cease and Roderich would be free; but he couldn’t do it. Day after day, he couldn’t do it. The knife just laid there, as Roderich made his way to his bed, sitting on the edge and leaning over.

He looked like a ghost. A pale, thin sickly ghost; mulling over why his mind wouldn’t allow his life to end. It was his punishment. His punishment that the world had bestowed upon him with no rhyme or reason. He was so angry; he just couldn’t stand it. With a swifter move than anything that had happened in the past few weeks; he grasped the small slab of wood and chucked it against the wall, causing a loud noise to erupt through the room as wood connected with drywall, leaving a dent.

That wasn’t the first thing that had been thrown. The wooden carving clattered to the floor, crashing against some other hard objects. Possibly even some glass. He didn’t have the motivation to clean it though. He didn’t have the motivation to do anything.

The knock rang and echoed through his room and Roderich had half a mind to just tell his mother off. Leave him alone. She didn’t get him anything to deal with his illness; just leave him alone.

Until a soft familiar voice rang through the wood; surprisingly loud for how soft the woman spoke. That haunting name was there; the name that had filled his mind in the sea of unintelligible thoughts. It was soft, easy to say; and rolled off Roderich’s tongue like sugar. Well, it had. He hadn’t spoken that name in forever.

He turned his head to the door, standing slowly before falling back a bit. Once he had regained his balance, he walked towards the door. It couldn’t be… she couldn’t have come to see him. With wide violet eyes, his hand grazed the doorknob before pulling back.

Was it her?

He turned his head before opening the door, the door letting out an eerie creak as he saw one of his house maids, and her. So he spoke; for the first time in weeks.

”Elizaveta…”

✣

tags: Elizaveta Héderváry
word count: 1276
notes: totes got in trouble for this but it was worth it; night Leia

by worldie for steph

[Elizaveta Héderváry]

lost and insecure

“you found me”

@@stephanie

Where the rest of the house was beautifully sunny and almost aglow with its perfection, Roderich's room was the opposite. That was the first fact Elizaveta took in when the door slowly creaked open.

It had once likely been a beautiful room, matching the rest of the house in its warmth and glow. A grand piano stood in the corner and Elizaveta remembered the countless times that Roderich had wrote of his music in his letters. Elizaveta had always tucked that into a corner in her mind, the one thing that Roderich truly loved. There were other things as well, she supposed. His dogs, for one, which she had seen downstairs out of the corner of her eye. But mostly his music. That was how Elizaveta remembered Roderich.

It would have been a beautiful room, but unlike the rest of the house, light did not stream in through the window as easily. The curtains were only partially open, leaving most of the room in darkness. The little light that was let in illuminated a desk scattered with papers and a trail of soft, white feathers. Feathers... Elizaveta had always thought of Roderich as a meticulous person. Of course, she could never know for certain. They had never met in person, of course. But she could tell, she had thought at least, from the way he wrote his words on the paper, from the details in which he described his life to her.

Elizaveta's eyes wandered to where a small patch glistened in the sun. Glass.

What had happened here?

She finally focused on Roderich's face. His cheekbones were too prominent, his skin too pale. Elizaveta remembered the image that Roderich had sent her once. He'd been smiling and sitting behind the piano, looking happy and in his element. There was no trace of that Roderich here. His eyes were dull and he seemed so thin, as if he hadn't been eating properly. He was just a shell of the boy that Elizaveta had imagined him to be.

Elizaveta could almost feel her heart catch in her throat. What had happened to him?

All the anger and hurt that she had felt over the past few months disappeared, replaced by concern. Roderich looked so tired, so overwhelmed, so...finished.

Elizaveta suddenly felt guilty. She had never known...was this why Roderich had stopped sending letters? Or perhaps it had been going on even then and she had never noticed... Neither thought made her feel particularly good. She should have been there. Even if she wasn't Roderich's fiancée (not really, at least), she was his friend. As a friend she should have known, should have been there.

A little part of her, a part that Elizaveta was ashamed of, argued against that. She had read Roderich's last letter a thousand times over the past year, had memorized the way his handwriting stood against the paper, could even recite each line perfectly. There had never been a sign of this in there. Roderich had always been unhappy with his family, of course, but he'd never mentioned something this big going wrong. And then she was hurt again, that he hadn't told her, that he hadn't trusted her enough...

No. Looking at Roderich now...that was all past them, wasn't it? That was all of the past. Elizaveta could forgive him, she had to. She was here and Roderich was here and the past was behind them.

The letter slipped through Elizaveta's fingers as she rushed forwards to embrace Roderich. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, trying not to think about how thin he felt, how tired he looked, the way he whispered her name as if she was a mirage.

“Hey Roddy,” she murmured. The nickname felt familiar on her lips even though she'd never addressed him as such before. It was what she called him in her mind, and it'd just slipped out. Elizaveta looked up and offered him a small smile. “I couldn't reach you, so I came to find you instead.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Elizaveta spotted a knife on the floor. Slowly, the pieces seemed to come together in her mind. Roderich...what had caused this? How...

The answers would come in time. They had to. Elizaveta would give Roderich time to explain. He had to at least do that for her. So instead, Elizaveta took his hand and without a word, gently led him over to the bed so they could sit down and talk.

She had found him. The easiest part was over. Now came everything after.

[ WORDS 767 | MUSE SONG BY ARTIST ]

MADE BY ★MEULK