Peanut's Notebook

[Deleted]

So, looking at some other threads, I thought I might want a place to dump any art I get around to scanning or various drabbles and stories or whatever. I might later also record myself singing some of the songs I get into my head as various character themes, but so far my attempts at recording them sorta stink (probably because I don't have any proper microphones). Um, yeah.

So, anyway, the reason I'm doing this now is because of the below story, which popped into my head and would not jump out, so I decided to write it down. It is still a work in progress, but I wanted to put down what I had so far.

You know what I want?

What I want, believe it or not, I've already got...

Once upon a time, not so far away nor so long ago, there lived a woman with beautiful, deadly green eyes. She had untamable strawberry-blonde hair that seemed to be as though the wind had carefully arranged it each morning. All who saw her agreed that she was the most beautiful person they had ever seen, even with the thick eyebrows that sat upon her eyes, framing them. Yes, she was beautiful.

A beautiful face, though, does not necessarily frame a beautiful soul, and so it was with her. It was not all her fault, though. She was a frightened, beaten soul, as long ago her own parents had been harsh with her. Determined to make her own way in the world, this Helen decided that she would marry and become great, just as she should. Her heart was not in it, though. Her parents were the ones who had instilled such ideas in her, and she had long ago forced herself to believe them.

(Ever since she was little, she could swear she could fly.)

She married a red-haired man with the name of Stuart, and for a while she was happy. However, she fell very sick one day only to discover that she was pregnant. She was not ready for a child, for she had not yet learned how to take care of one. What was she going to do? Still, during the very short time between when she found out and when her child was born, she found herself feeling love towards it. She wondered if the child would love her. She wondered if it would dream of flying, too. She wondered if it would be strong, or brave, or maybe a fool. She felt that she would love it anyway.

In time, that child was born, and his name was Hamish.

At first, it seemed easy. He had her eyes, and he loved her, and she loved him. However, it wasn't that easy. Nothing was easy. It all hurt and had pointy edges instead. No, instead of being a normal child, one day she looked into her eyes and saw them turn a shade of black. The shadows around the room began to move, and seconds later she knew the truth. He would not dream of flying. She did not know what he would dream of.

(Ever since she was little, she could swear she could fly, but had always ignored it, for flying was impossible.)

She tried. She tried very hard. She did everything she could to try to help her son, for she was a mother, and mothers do all they can to help their charges. It was just hard, so hard, too hard to stand! One day, she and her husband found it, the article. She suggested they move to Russia, for their they had a place where they could take care of her son! So they went. However, it wasn't that easy. Why couldn't it be easy? Why did he have to get sick? Why did they have to be lying? Why did her son have to be what they were after? Why? WHY!

What sort of joke was this, anyway?

And so they began to argue. She didn't try, but she was frightened. This wasn't what she was taught would happen, this wasn't supposed to happen! Her husband was sick, then he was better, but then he was throwing bottles at her and screaming at her and she was kicking and screaming back and her son was flinging shadows and she didn't, she couldn't, what was she supposed to do! This wasn't love, was it? They say there's a thin line between love and hate, and that from time to time it is impossible to tell the difference. Why? Her world was shattering around her, and what could she do? She knew nothing!

(Ever since she was little, she could swear she could fly, but had always ignored it, for flying was impossible. She had to ignore those moments when her feet were two centimeters higher above the pavement than everyone else's.)

And then he left, and it wasn't just her world but her heart that was broken, and her son... Oh, lord, forgive her. 

The night she made her choice was the hardest in her life. She cried and she prayed, but she got no answer. No revelation came to her. She had no money, and she could not take care of them. She didn't think Hamish could see it, but she was dying. She was hungry, and she was dying. He was hungry too, but she was a mother, and a mother would give up their life for their son. She could not do it forever. She could not condemn her son.

So in the end, the first time, it was not for the money or for hatred, but for her son, for surely they could take care of him better? It would be an evil, but if he were to die, she could not forgive herself! She couldn't... She didn't know what to do anymore.

"Please, oh God, forgive me, I beg! Forgive me for what I have chosen to do! Forgive me... Hamish..."

She could not look him in the eyes as they took him, but who could?

[To be continued...]

[Deleted]

So, um, it's not quite Christmas here yet... Still have half an hour... I had this short thingy sitting around and have decided that it is a Christmas present! It probably needs work in several places, but I hope you all like it. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Don't Lie

I remember everything.

The first words he said to you when you met were "don't lie", and when the story was told to me later, you would tell me how confused you were. Lying was wrong, after all, and you had been taught by your Grandpa to be a good person. Those words were followed by him asking you to kiss him. You refused and ran away, startled. You were still able to run easily then, because your brother's guardian was taking care of you.

He chased you, though the look in his eyes was odd. You told me that he had phrased the question a certain way, though I can't remember it, and you had not lied a bit. You were already special in his eyes.

You asked me about him later, and I explained that his name was Augustus. You smiled and said thank you. You then asked someone about him more. Apparently, his Grandpa, just like yours, had died days ago, leaving him to live with his cousins. His odd albino brother had tagged along too. You looked as though you felt bad for him, which made me feel bad. I hated seeing how little you smiled.

You saw him every day. He would ask you to kiss him. You would run away.

-----

I remember it very well, mostly because of the expression on your face. Your brother's guardian, a man called Antonio, had very little money. He couldn't support you both much longer. Your brother threw a fit. He threw things and screamed, angry because you were Antonio's favorite and your Grandpa's favorite and that it just wasn't fair!

To your brother's surprise and wonderment, though, it was you Antonio had to put up for adoption. Your brother was a troublemaker, but Antonio had a rne could argue with:

"I promised your mother."

You couldn't argue with that. You hadn't been wanted, but you had always thought your mother beautiful for raising you all despite being from a loveless union, from a father your mother would never know, from the most traumatic experience of her life. You thought her a saint, though you'd never know her.

In the end, it hardly mattered. A man called Rodriech agreed to take you in. You moved in and you were in the same house as he was- the boy, Augustus.

He asked if you would kiss him and you ran away.

-----

You were upset at first because you couldn’t see your brother much, which was understandable. Your brother and you were close, or so you thought. You couldn’t seem to see that you had drifted apart when you spent those last days with your Grandpa. Still, you were made happier by Augustus, because you would always know what you would do.

“Don’t lie,” he would say. “Will you kiss me?”

And you would say “No!” and run away.

Once or twice, you exchanged words, but Rodriech would send you off to do chores before you could say much of anything at all.

The first time that you really, really talked to him was the first time in a long time that I saw you really, really smiled, since your Grandpa died, at least. The conversation was a little odd, but you would treasure it in secret all the same.

"Wait! Augustus!" He turned around. "If you want to kiss me, you have to know me first!" As you said this, he frowned.

"I already know that you're beautiful," he answered.

"That's not enough," you answered, "you have to really know who I am! We have to be friends first!" He took awhile thinking before finally nodding.

"Friends... I can do that..." he said. "You haven't lied..."

"Why would I do that?" you murmured, before sticking out your hand. "Anyway, let's start by meeting each other! I'm Feliciano Vargas."
He smiled and said, "I'm Augustus Beildshmiet."

You talked for almost an hour more before Rodriech found you.

-----

I remember especially how happy you were when Elizabetta said that she'd run interference for you and Augustus. She said something about how cute you are together, and something about her husband not understanding gender and true love and identity. You just smiled and nodded, but for whatever reason Augustus's brother Gilbert found this hilarious.

"Ksesese... It really doesn't matter, since you look like a girl!"

Augustus kicked him in the shins for you.

"Don't lie," Augustus said one day absentmindedly as you talked, "but if you could have any wish answered, what would it be?"

Your hand reached out to touch his of its own accord in response to the question before you could take it back. Your skin only barely touched. You do not blush, partially because you rarely do. Besides, you're just friends, right?

"Don't lie."

"I haven't said anything!"

"You were lying somehow, I can tell!"

"How?"

"Ah-" his eyes sunk and you pulled back.

"No. Don't tell me. It doesn't matter." You both were quiet for a long time. The trees rustled in a slight wind. Flowers stood in the garden. It was springtime and quite lovely.

Finally, Augustus spoke. "If it means anything... I wish... I wish I could stay this young, with you, forever." You didn't know what to say to that, so it remains silent until Rodriech gets past Elizibetta and orders you inside.

-----

"Will you let me kiss you now?" he begs you.

"No!" you say, though for a moment I could sear your lips formed the word yes. You are smiling. Perhaps it was simply that.
It doesn't surprise me that he wants to kiss you. You have a beautiful smile.

You are sitting with him outside, trying to paint a rabbit. He pauses before looking at his own painting. I could imagine that he wanted to impress you, but in truth it was a rather warped rabbit.

"I wish I could do that," he said, looking at your immaculate one.

"Oh?" you respond. "Okay! I'll show you!" Before either of you think, your hand is around his and he is blushing and you would be, if you blushed normally. You press on, ignoring your beating heart, as you slowly guide his hand. "You need to make smoother lines, like this," you say.
"It's hard," he whispers. "with you right there next to me to hold the brush straight."

"It should be easier, though, if you can look at mine." On an instinct, you pull his hand across your painting. The smooth lines are traced perfectly.

"Okay," he says, his voice nothing but breathless shock. You try not to lie to yourself and admit that your voice, too, would be somewhat in shock. That has little to do with the hand, and more to do with his new drawing, as it's not a rabbit at all. Instead, you stare in shock as what you thought to be a rabbit turns out it be, well, you.

After your embarrassing impromptu lesson, it's actually quite good.

-----

Once, you were talking to me, and Augustis saw. Confused, he said, "There's no one there!"

I told you not to object before kissing you on the forehead. You still asked quietly, "You mean you can't see her...?"

-----

"Kiss me!"

You simply run away. You do not trust yourself to say anything.

-----

Finally, you are both sitting under a tree on a hill. Rodriech is gone for the day, so you know you can talk for as long as you both need to talk. Everything is silent for a few moments. He whispers, "Don't lie. Will you ever kiss me?" You don't think he meant for you to hear, but you almost answered anyway, and the answer fills you with some emotion for some unknown reason. Instead, though, you work up the courage to ask a question.

"How come you know when I lie?" It was fall and the leaves were on the ground, but the air was suddenly as thick as it is before a summertime storm.

"Your mother... She was a saint," whispered Augustus. "Mine was not."

Despite wanting to, you do not kiss him, but you do hug him tightly, tightly, tightly, until you are both crying.

"I won't let you get hurt," you whisper.

Your heart breaks when you hear him say "don't lie..."

-----

During Christmas, Lovino gives him an evil eyehbors come (loudly) wassaling, and you're happy again.

God, I loved seeing you happy back then.

Your exchange of gifts was wonderful. From him, you got a beautiful necklace. Though you wouldn't normally wear jewelry, you put it on. It's a locket with a piece of painting inside, you see, so it is very special. You give him one of the only things you have: a broom. You're an orphan and he's one too, just in somewhat different circumstances.

Sometime during the season, Gilbert shoves you both under a mistletoe. This, naturally, is very awkward. Augustus shouts, "Will you kiss me?"
You say no. You are not lying. Augustus kicks Gilbert in the shins so he can chase you, but not catch you. The locket hits your chest. You feel rather nice, actually, after everything that he's done for you. It's only been a year, but you trust him so much.

You run around laughing together.

Two weeks later, he runs ahead of you. He is going shopping with you. This is a new development. "Is it melons we're getting?"

"Yeah!"

Shopping is so much more fun with him around.

-----

The next time he runs ahead, the car didn't even stop as it flew by.

(Later, they'd say he was drunk, the driver. That doesn't make it hurt less. Soon after, you begged me to write this, to bury it with him, but I don't think you will.)

You run up to him, shouting for help, CPR! Even if there had been someone, he probably wouldn't have... Well, CPR doesn't bring the dead back to life. You don't care as blood covers your clothes, soaks your locket. You kneel down to him, sobbing as sirens come in. EMTs rush around you, push you away, and you scream even as they shout "Clear!" again and again, before finally admitting to themselves that there is no restarting that heart. The sirens are off now. They prepare to take him into the ambulance. You can't let them do that. Dear God, you'll never see him again if they do that now.

"If you want to kiss me, you have to know me first!"

You won't lie to him.

Like an angel, you sweep through the crowd of medical personnel and crying family members.

(Your painting was forever bloodstained by this, but his signature's still there. Your broom is buried with him.)

Sweetheart, I remember everything an angle, you pushed aside everyone in your path and said three clear words:

"I love you."

Then you kissed him, but it was far too late by then for him to have noticed.

-----

You wouldn't smile again for a long, long time.

[Deleted]

I swear I'll finish that first one-shot eventually, it's just... Well, I get distracted easily!

Anyway, I made this video. It's supposed to be nostalgic. It might not be that good- I don't know how good I am at nostalgic. It's the first bit of the Forrest Gump Suit. If you do not know what I refer to, you should go watch that movie. It's awesome.

If this works, I might record me singing Peter's current 'theme' and try to make a video... if I can get my mic to work and my guitar in tune and I don't have a track meet when I plan on recording and I actually find pictures.

[Deleted]

I give up on the one-shot, okay? I don't even know what I was doing with it at this point.

Now, on other news, I can't remember what the outfit Peter was supposed to be wearing was except that it wasn't warm enough for the weather and that it had a cute rabbit hat. Therefore, I tried to draw it. It's a doodle, not much of interest, but I thought I'd show it to you? I will eventually sing something, I just have issues recording things. I just have GarageBand and a microphone, basically, so that's a thing...